By Collin Kelley

Near the end of tonight’s episode, Porsha declares that she’s going to need some wine to get through the evening. I (and you), on the other hand, might need something stronger. There is a whole heapin’ help of crazy tonight. Nene’s face sorta sums it up.

The episode opens with scenes of Kenya and Phaedra preparing for their competing workout videos. Kenya is with her trainer for the “stallion booty” video, while Phaedra and Apollo are having photos taken for the cover of their “donkey booty” project. Kenya has decided she will be the star of her video since she used to be a beauty queen. Maybe Kenya’s tape should be called the “old nag booty” instead?

Cynthia needs some dollar bills, y’all, so she’s decided to get into the pageant business. She meets with a pageant expert who tells her she could be bringing in $400 per girl (and that was the low end figure). Goodbye, Atlanta INtown, I’m getting into the pageant business! Cynthia decides to get Porsha and Hosea Feed the Hungry involved as the nonprofit recipient of a “portion” (and Cynthia does stress portion) of the proceeds from her pageant earnings.

Later, Kenya invites Porsha to lunch at The Lawrence restaurant. As the waiter takes away the knives from the table at Kenya’s suggestion, Porsha wonders if her arch enemy is there to poison her. Well, maybe poison her with some crazy dust because Miss Kenya is now blaming all of the drama in Anguilla (yes, they are STILL talking about that damn trip) on Phaedra. Say which? Say who? Kenya says she invited Porsha to lunch to have a “grown woman conversation” and warn her about Phaedra’s manipulation, but the two cause a scene instead. Every episode of RHOA must have a lunch/dinner scene where at least two of the cast members make absolute fools of themselves in public. As she’s driving away, Porsha tells Kenya to do something about her ashy feet. Burn!!!

Kandi meets Cynthia, Porsha and Phaedra at Imperial Fez to dish more dirt on Krazy Kenya. Phaedra thinks Kenya is an alcoholic and has a chemical imbalance. “That girl is kooky as the day is long,” Phaedra says. The girls also try to get Porsha to sing, since she want to sing at Cynthia’s Miss Renaissance Pageant. Porsha claims to have the voice of Rihanna, Mary J. Blige and Beyonce all rolled into one. We never get to know how horrific that sounds because Porsha hems and haws until the belly dancers show up to perform. Cynthia then runs to meet her frenemy Kenya, who is practicing her golf swing (?!), to dish on Phaedra calling her a crazy drunk.

An angry Kenya later meets with her favorite gay, Miss Lawrence, at Burkhart’s for a drink. Over mojitos, Miss Lawrence says he’s heard Phaedra saying bitchy things about gay men who wear heels and then they laugh over how “manly” Phaedra looks. “I wouldn’t say Phaedra looks like a man, but she shouldn’t be judging men in heels,” Kenya says, then proclaims herself a “role model.” For who, exactly?

Nene is back in Atlanta to launch her own shoe design with ShoeDazzle. It’s a fairly ritzy, well-dressed looking event, so when Kenya rolls in wearing a gigantic hat, see-through fishnet dress, thong and visible white butt pads, everyone in the place does a double take. The ensemble is a cross between Grey Gardens and Cher’s “If I Could Turn Back Time” get-up.

Nene looks Kenya up and down and says: “This bitch done lost it.”

Kenya staggers around using an exaggerated southern accent (apparently trying to mimic Phaedra) saying, “If people are going to call you crazy, you gotta give them crazy.” Mission accomplished, Kenya, mission accomplished.

Phaedra declares that “something in the buttermilk ain’t clean” and then proceeds to tell Kenya that she is bipolar and has a drinking problem – to her face. There’s more tussling over the soured donkey booty deal, and the episode ends with Kenya saying that Phaedra’s body looks like sh-t and she shouldn’t even be doing a video. Burn!!! Okay, not really.

Collin Kelley

Collin Kelley has been the editor of Atlanta Intown for two decades and has been a journalist and freelance writer for 35 years. He’s also an award-winning poet and novelist.