By Sandy M. Tyler

Season five of The Real Housewives of Atlanta has finally come to a close, fellow fans. Quick, which movie character did YOU dress as to watch the finale? I was kind of Scarlett O’Hara from the “I’ll never be hungry again” scene in Gone With the Wind, except not actually hungry. What can I say? It’s been a long season. Although it’s not quite technically over: there are still three reunion specials to get through.

The finale opens with Kenya and her bra, meeting with Nicole Garner and the team from The Garner Circle, to plan her “first annual gala” in Atlanta. Kenya wants to pay tribute to iconic black women in cinema by . . . uh  . . . recreating the royal wedding scene from Coming to America?! Is Kenya planning to jump on one foot and bark like a dog or is she planning to make Porsha do it? Don’t worry, we find out soon enough.

Phaedra, looking to expand a business empire that has, to date, spawned an exercise video and a pet funeral service (seriously, that plotline faded faster than Kim Zolciak’s singing career) has decided to develop her own line of smaller, feminine stun guns called Phaedra Sparks. And she meets with the guys from Divas in Defense to learn more about using a stun gun. She brings Kandi along, perhaps to get a jump on a Bedroom Kandi crossover line for the more sexually adventurous. Phaedra’s products are small and pink and they vibrate, just like Kandi’s. But, Phaedra probably has a better chance of keeping Kenya in check with hers.

Poor Porsha, her “picture-perfect life” really fell apart at the seams this week, didn’t it? After less than 2 years of marriage, her husband Kordell Stewart served her with divorce papers, much to her surprise. Obviously, he was the one with “malice content” this week.

On this week’s show, taped long before the divorce papers were served, we see Porsha and Kordell visit psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake for some help communicating with each other. Kordell acknowledges that they may have their disagreements, but “they only last 5 to 10 seconds.” Porsha says she lets things go when they disagree, which is good for Kordell who insists that it’s not about winning because Porsha would just lose every time anyway. Yeee-ikes!

Kordell and Porsha then discuss their differences of opinion on parenthood. Kordell admits that losing his dad prior to Porsha’s miscarriage meant that he wasn’t very available for Porsha during that time. And as for parenthood, Kordell wants things to be more traditional with Porsha giving up her career and staying home with the baby. Again, I still can’t see how Porsha’s very part-time “career” keeps Kordell from getting what he needs, and all of his talk about being traditional in order to avoid divorce obviously didn’t keep them together. Traditionally, you don’t dump your wife less than 2 years after your wedding.

Hopefully, Porsha will grow up and move on as quickly as possible from this starter marriage. She should let Kordell have the giant portrait of the two of them in the divorce settlement, since he’s so determined to have a wife who stays in the house and keeps her opinions to herself.

We then skip along quickly, for once, straight to the day of Kenya’s gala and scenes of the various housewives getting ready for the event and choosing their outfits.  Kenya telling Porsha to come to her party as Nisi from BAPS was a R-E-A-D for sure, but at first it seems like Porsha is into owning the joke, rather than letting Kenya make her the booty of it. Porsha visits her hairdresser and friends at Pressed Hair Salon for help picking out her outfit and getting into the Nisi character with the right wig and accessories. For some reason though, the hive mind decides that Kenya is just playing with Porsha and perhaps she should go in another more elegant direction after all. I mean, what could POSSIBLY go wrong, right viewers? (Maybe these same geniuses encouraged Porsha to marry Kordell, too?)

The evening of the party arrives and as usual with events staged for RHOA this season, it seems that the only people who know the hostess personally are the other housewives and the people hired to work there.

Kandi arrives as instructed dressed as Tina Turner in What’s Love Got to Do With It, though her wig could have been better if you ask me. (Not that you asked me.) At least Cynthia knew how to WERQ her Diana Ross in Mahogany appearance for all it was worth. (Snaps of fire, girl!) Unfortunately for Porsha, Kenya decided to attend her party as Regina George from Mean Girls dressed like Foxy Brown.

When Porsha arrives as Dorothy Dandridge instead of Nisi, Kenya claims that the real problem is that a “program” has been carefully planned around each housewife’s assigned character, and Porsha’s change of costume is disrespectful and throws a wrench into the plans Kenya has made . . . for her “first annual gala” . . . featuring (seriously?!) the recreation of the royal wedding scene from Coming to America?!

Because Porsha can’t follow instructions, she needs to leave. And not only does Porsha need to leave, she needs to be dramatically kicked out of Kenya’s party by two burly security guards. Kandi and Cynthia decide to show solidarity for Porsha by leaving the party as well. They’ve had it with the drama, and this time, Kenya has taken things too far. Even the househusbands and boyfriends have had enough. It’s true that Porsha and Kenya have never gotten along, and they have both taken every cheap shot available, but if Kenya wants to win the war, she’s got to be willing to take the high road at some point.

Out on the curb, Cynthia calls Nene to give her an update and let her know that they’re probably going to leave the party, and Nene is disgusted. Kenya walks up and overhears the conversation and, feeling trapped, kinda/sorta apologizes to Porsha and the group for her behavior and invites them back in, not that Porsha is interested. Kenya goes back to the party and tries to participate, but you can tell she knows she has played things all wrong this time.

Back on the curb, Kenya’s friend Brandon gets into it with Peter and Kordell when they ask him to ask Kenya to join them back outside for further discussion. This is when I have to give a big Jackhole to Bravo. The previews for the finale were clearly edited to make viewers believe that Kordell and Peter had gotten into it, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Bravo – we tune in to see the ladies and their drama. The men are supporting players only, so no need to invent drama between them, too.

Luckily, some of the tension is broken when Nene finally arrives, giving us Grace Jones realness, followed by a bootylicious Phaedra as Eartha Kitt’s Cat Woman. And Gregg Leakes is also there to inject some of his calm candor into the shenanigans saying that while it’s true that a host has the option to ask everyone to get out of their house, that would be a person who needs medication.

Inside the party, Nene greets Kenya with Grace Jones fierceness and then pulls Kenya aside to chastise her for her ridiculous behavior, telling her not to burn bridges but to keep it REAL, not real f@#king crazy. The housewives are supposed to be O-N-E, and if Porsha got dressed up and came to the party, Kenya needs to let her in, or no one is going to stay. Kenya, knowing she has lost this battle, goes out and gives a somewhat more sincere apology to Porsha and the other housewives for her behavior.

The gala’s “program” seems to consist of nothing more than Kenya introducing each housewife and her character to the crowd with Nene wrapping things up by arriving in a chariot just like Grace Jones in Boomerang. Bravo grabbed still frames from the introductions to give us their end of the season update for each of the ladies. Porsha’s read simply – Kordell filed for divorce. Ugh. Ouch.

Fellow Real Housewives of Atlanta viewers and fans, we have 3 weeks of reunion shows coming up, and Collin and I don’t want to watch what happens alone. We’ll be recapping and reading the ladies live on Atlanta INtown’s Facebook page during each reunion show, beginning this Sunday, April 7 at 8pm EST. So, log on to Facebook and join the discussion thread, just keep it clean. We can’t wait to hear what y’all think of Kenya’s fan, Kim Zolciak’s appearance and Andy’s Cohen’s snarky rehash of Season Five. Join us live.

Collin Kelley

Collin Kelley has been the editor of Atlanta Intown for two decades and has been a journalist and freelance writer for 35 years. He’s also an award-winning poet and novelist.

One reply on “Real Housewives of Atlanta: All over but the shouting”

  1. I have to comment on Brandon’s get up… That stuffed toy lion glued to a long sheet was beyond ridiculous! He couldn’t find a lion bigger than the $1.00 toys they sell at Target?

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