Real Housewives of Atlanta: Let the strangling begin!

By Brigette Flood and Sandy M. Tyler

Welcome back Real Housewives of Atlanta fans! Season four has officially begun, kicking off last night in a not-very contested opening episode, which caught us up on what the cast members have been doing since last season’s reunion show and introduced us to the plot points, often business related, that serve as their storylines this season. We know these ladies, and with three seasons behind them, they know the demands of reality TV, so there will be plenty of drama, hell or high water, meetings, greetings and beatings to witness in the coming weeks. Hooray!

The episode opened with Kim Zolciak and Kroy Biermann doing their best alternative Brandi and Jared from Storage Wars. Kim is moving on from Big Poppa with her new baby’s young poppa and taking her things out of storage to furnish their love-manse. Kim is fat and happy and fortunately for her, it’s because she’s super pregnant, not to mention über in love with Kroy and “that ass.” Seriously, Kim probably looks Kroy in the face a time or two a day, but 9 times out of 10, Kim is a Falcoholic for Kroy’s bootie. Even cynics like us had to admit their flirty banter was cute, though it’s sure to give us morning sickness at some point.

Later, back at her house, Kim, who is six weeks from her due date and laying in bed eating jalapenos and baked ziti, complains about how uncomfortably pregnant she feels. But Kim doesn’t think pregnancy is an excuse to eat 20 pieces of pizza. It’s a time to be healthy! As we know from last season, the modern housewife saves her pizza pig-outs for her cellulite laser treatments.

During this part of the show there was a moment … you probably remember it … Kim’s in the bed, her kids are in the bed, Sweetie’s in the bed and this cute little black dog, who looks like a tiny, delightful bear is in the bed. We instantly decide we must have that bear! We plotted ways to find it and take it for our own. Not sharing a household, we even agreed that joint-custody was doable and discussed suitable dog parks. But then Kim calls our beloved bear creature “Chanel” and voila, the spell is broken. Chanel?! Delightful bear is gone, and now it’s simply another reality show dog with a terrible haircut and an unfortunate name.

NeNe is back, minus her husband but with plenty of attitude, apparently even more money, and probably still picking pieces of her Celebrity Apprentice cast mates out of her teeth. She takes her son Bryson car shopping and, dropping The Donald’s name for the first time of many, negotiates a lower price for his new Dodge Charger by flirting with the dealership owner (they used to date) and paying in cash (“Cash money, haters!”). Bryson, who seems back to his former, more clean-shaven self this season, asks if they should open a bottle of champagne to celebrate. A Dodge purchase probably calls for a bottle of Miller High Life, the champagne of beers, instead. And the family drives off into the sunset of yet another Atlanta traffic jam.

Cynthia wants to focus on business this season by starting her own modeling agency, and straight from Manila, Dubai, and London, Miss J – runway coach extraordinaire from America’s Next Top Model – jets to Vickery’s in Glenwood Park to offer his help. Cynthia is in the process of taking applications for her first group of students, and Miss J cringes at a cattle call that includes wannabes from age 11 to 30, wisely counseling Cynthia to take quality over quantity. At least Miss J can provide some initial runway instruction, telling the applicants to avoid the “White Girl Shopping Mall” walk and “The Black Girl Who Knows Everything” because after all, that can only be Miss J himself.

Phaedra visits “undertaker to the stars” Willie A. Watkins to plan her great-aunt’s funeral. We learn a lot about Phaedra this week. Sure she’s a successful lawyer, mother and wife, but she also likes to design funeral programs and arrange the hands of the dead to help them look pretty. (And enjoys dressing like Morticia Addams when she talks about it.) Phaedra seems to be more interested in incorporating her own taste for “the most fabulous things in life” into the event, rather than actually mourning her relative’s passing. So, she does her family proud by sending her great-aunt off in a mirrored, lavender casket driven to the burial in a hearse that plays music. You know, like the ice cream truck of the afterlife. Reveling in the glory of the graveside ceremony, Phaedra decides she may have just found her new calling.

Kandi’s new calling is designing a line of adult sex toys, requiring a trip to The Liberator Store with Phadrea and Shereè to check out the competition. While debating the merits of a variety of brightly colored vibrators, Phaedra is surprisingly hilarious, Shereè is surprisingly demure and Kandi is surprisingly dressed like a milkmaid. A brave sales associate asks the ladies, “Who likes doggie-style?” and then shows the housewives how to add spice to their lives with “The Wedge”, which Phaedra is only too happy to demonstrate.

NeNe and Shereè step up to the drama assignment with this season’s first fight caused by an appearance deal gone wrong between the two. It seems Shereè had invited NeNe to attend a Philadelphia event with her for a fee, and then believed the promoter – a “Tyrone” – when he told her that NeNe called him directly to cut herself a more lucrative deal. The whole conflict seemed a little forced to us, especially since not a lot of context or solid details were provided. It was hilarious though that both NeNe and Sheree had to “phone a friend” to get in on the fight. Perhaps this was just to have more people to talk over?

After a screaming match about “who is VERY rich” (NeNe), who needs to get her teeth fixed (NeNe) and who has had her car repoed (hilariously both of them), the women chase each other out into the mean streets of Atlantic Station.

Later NeNe invites Cynthia over to comfort her after the big blow up, and NeNe claims she’s upset because she’s never been “hated on to that level before”. SERIOUSLY? All of these ladies have said and done far worse to each other; the fight didn’t even reach the maximum decibel level the Atlanta ladies are capable of. And, it doesn’t take a seasoned viewer to know that NeNe can dish it out and take it, so we’re awfully curious about where the crocodile tears are coming from. It’s probably all to keep you watching. Would we have it any other way?

Names dropped in just this episode: Donald Trump, Tyra (as in Banks), Naomi (as in Campbell), LaToya Jackson, Star Jones and Coretta Scott King – our apologies to Mrs. King.