Real Housewives of Atlanta: The Talls and The Smalls

By Brigette Flood and Sandy M. Tyler

If you didn’t actually get to see last night’s episode, you know what you missed? People packing, the usual nitpicking and maybe some pre-fighting. So, not much. It was the pre-South Africa trip part deux. Bravo showcased its expertise in dragging out the non-interesting and the non-entertaining in scene after scene – all of which should have ended up on the cutting room floor. They literally made an entire episode from B-roll. And we’re going to recap it, so off we go!

In the spirit of their upcoming adventure, we already see the main theme starting to take shape: Apartheid. The word comes from the Afrikaans word for “apartness,” and the housewives are quickly dividing themselves into two camps – the Talls and the Smalls. The Talls – Marlo, NeNe and Cynthia – arrive at the airport dressed for the runway and view the trip as a chance to buy a new wardrobe and be fabulous. The Smalls – Kandi, Phaedra and Shereé – seem more interested in this once in a lifetime journey to the Motherland, arriving at Hartsfield in casual clothes and minus the 6-inch Louboutins. The trip is sadly starting to seem like a chance for the housewives to fight in a new environment, rather than experience anything new. Let’s hope we’re wrong.

This week’s show highlighted other opposites and worlds apartness. We see Kandi and Kim working out, in ways that perfectly mirror the lives they lead and the people they are. Kandi meets her trainer and gets a bootie-kicking workout the hard way: with an exercise routine involving weights, pulling tires, sweating, running and swearing. Kim, conversely, doesn’t even exert the energy to leave her house. She orders a session of LA Slim Wrap to her doorstep, gets mummified in Ace bandages and strolls around her yard with plastic bags on her feet hoping to firm up, lose inches and shed the last of her baby weight.

Here’s some embarrassing, spill-the-beans truth. One of us – we won’t say which one to protect the stupidly swindled – “enjoyed” a slim wrap session. You know how you step out of yourself and see what you’re doing from an objective, almost out-of-body perspective? That definitely happened. Here’s what we saw: a person on an elliptical machine, wrapped in Ace bandages, soaked in mystery “detoxing juice”, wearing a fleece poncho to hide the hideousness and watching The View in between two middle-aged strangers doing the same thing. We were embarrassed for us . . . just as you are probably embarrassed for us now. Yes, it was a waste of time. And then we saw Kim, who was smart enough to do it in the privacy of her own home … but with millions of Bravo viewers watching.

The workout regimens show the vast differences between Kim and Kandi, including their approach to a singing career. Kandi works hard. Kim takes a short cut and achieves a goal, though she never understands that her route was an unusual one to begin with. Life works like that sometimes. We Smalls can work our booties off, but any old Tall can shed 10.5 inches in an hour or woo a pair of Louboutins off a billionaire in the blink of a fake-eyelash. Sometimes life hands you genetics and good luck; sometimes you have to work a little harder.

Before leaving town, the Talls recruit a final team member when NeNe goes over to Marlo’s place for lunch. This is really a chance for NeNe to see how Marlo lives and visit her extensive collection of expensive shoes and Chanel handbags. Marlo keeps track of it all with her elaborate system of 6 security cameras. This seems excessive for a condo, but when the Lord provides in such a big, flashy way, it makes you want to keep track of your blessings, digitally.

Even though both ladies are experts at stirring the pot, it takes Marlo’s “staff” to fix their lunch. NeNe discusses the upcoming South Africa trip with Marlo and why she’s hesitant to go. (Because she’s been so busy fighting with the rest of the cast; no wonder they all hope she gets dragged into the bush.) Luckily, NeNe is able to recruit another mean girl to go with her when Marlo expresses interest, and the two soon shop for their upcoming trip and safari by trying on $10K diamond necklaces. The kind you can just “put on and go”.

With the end of the NFL lockout, Kroy has to leave the Barbie Dream House and go back to work, heading out for the Falcons Training Camp in Flowery Branch, less than an hour away. It seems ridiculous that the family should be so upset about the sudden, not-so-separate, separation. But after spending so much quality time together, everyone, Chanel included, is genuinely sad at Kroy’s parting.

Kim plans a romantic send-off for Kroy the night before, which true to Kim’s nature, takes a team of helpers to organize. Those of us who have to do things ourselves actually already know that it DOES take time and effort to light so many tea lights and keep them lit. And we’re sure most of our viewers also know that nothing kills a night of romance more than having your parents around, especially when your dad keeps interrupting your romantic bath preparations with tacky, dirty jokes. Maybe a training camp break for Kroy won’t be so bad after all.

The previews for the housewives African adventure, hopefully starting next week, show a lot of fighting and white wine drinking, a yacht excursion and the ladies out on safari dressed for a night out on the town. Travel is meant to teach and inspire, by taking the traveler away from their everyday experiences. Somehow, we don’t think the cast will be open-minded enough to come back changed, but we’ll watch and see and let you know.