Real Housewives of Atlanta: Goodnight, b*tches

By Brigette Flood and Sandy M. Tyler

There is something so creepy about the Housewives’ season finale. Where do we even begin? The show seemed to be about love, lust, romance and good looks, but then it was mostly about nothing at all. It’s a perfect finale for this season in that way: starts out with promise and ends in long, drawn out disappointment.

So what’s creepy, you wonder? Well, Kim and Kroy are the real thing, so we’re cool with their shenanigans. At least they’re believable. They have to be; Bravo’s got their spin off show up next. But we found watching Kandi and the ladies eyeball men for the sex toy party, observing NeNe and John Kolaj’s lack of chemistry, The Bailey Agency’s model call and the actual Bedroom Kandi launch event to all be a little … creepily awkward. And yet, still boring.

The episode opens with NeNe and Cynthia furniture shopping with NeNe in the market for a new bed. Usually, when a woman is looking for a new bed after a long marriage and separation, it means she’s getting a divorce. Kind of a throwing out of the old mojo and a bringing in of the new sex karma. NeNe tells Cynthia that she’s decided to move forward with her divorce from Gregg, and they’ll have to stop having sex with each other too. Unfortunately for NeNe, she’s earned some truly bad karma in the romance department this season. Whenever she pretends to have a date with another man, it’s always with the perpetually sweaty John Kolaj.

John and NeNe had yet another awkward lunch this week, this time in Atlanta, where he showers her with gifts and attempts to woo her with sentiments taken from a bad romance novel he must travel around with. He was in so many pieces and she was the glue that fixed him piece by perspiring piece . . . She makes every day like Christmas to him . . . speaking of Christmas, here is a Rolex watch. It’s timeless – and hopefully sweat-proof. If you wind it up, it will last forever. All of this is just too much for NeNe, who wants to be single and fancy-free. Honestly, NeNe has more sexual chemistry with Kim Zolciak than with her pizza-chain owning “boyfriend.” The rumor has always been that this romance is part of a business deal and nothing else, and NeNe and John’s insincere on-camera exchanges prove it.

At The Bailey Agency School of Fashion and Reality-Show-Plotline-Staging Area, Cynthia has her first big casting call for models. She’s hoping to find a small group of candidates that have the potential to book work in New York and Miami after a 6 week training session with her. She’s also enlisted a group of judges to help her weed through the candidates, though none of them appear to have any connections to the fashion industry. It all seems to be a bit dubious, but at least the open call provided some pictures for agency’s website, which is short on details about its actual programs and requires a $10 payment before you can access the online application. Once again, much like NeNe’s new romance, this is a plotline that seemed to start in the middle and then go nowhere.

Kim takes Kroy and her engagement ring to yet another suburban restaurant in the area that features an enormous bread-basket. (We have to admit, we kind of love that about Kim.) This time, it’s to celebrate Kroy’s 26th Birthday. Kim tells Kroy that no one would have left the situation she had with Big Poppa – we can think of at least two people who would have – unless they found the perfect guy for them, like she did with Kroy. We have to agree that somehow, Kim did wind up with her perfect man. We even believe that she paid for the Porsche she bought him – 4-door family style! – with her own money. Perhaps she was able to buy the car after selling the other big ring, the one that didn’t mean a thing.

Kandi is as business smart and social media savvy as she is preoccupied with sex and sex toys. (Kind of like Phaedra from what we can tell.) The Bedroom Kandi event at Shout downtown looked like it was pretty fun, especially if you’re into sex toys and half naked men massaging you while feeding you fruit. (And pigs in a blanket?) Not the kind of party we’d plan for an ordinary day, but it was perfectly suited to the tone Kandi wants to set for her new line of sexy fun. While other companies have shades they’ve named Orgasm, Kandi is the only one who actually delivers with her lipstick, and it’s even waterproof ladies!

All of the Housewives make it to Kandi’s launch party, even Kim, though not all of them seem excited to be there. And by that, we mean The Talls. NeNe, Marlo and Cynthia mostly keep to themselves, while NeNe complains loudly about having to mix with the “Twitter people” because Kandi, knowing better than to invite only cast members expecting freebies, tweeted about the event and invited her fans. NeNe, who has cultivated close to 700,000 Twitter followers herself, loves to act like she’s above it all – the fans, the toys, the men, the free massages and the promotion of another cast member’s latest business venture in “ding-a-ling-land.” For all of her demure put-ons, no one has forgotten that NeNe once made her living by stripping, and although it’s not exactly the same thing, we’ll let you enjoy the irony.

This is just one more party that NeNe didn’t want to attend, especially if it wasn’t going to be about her. She refuses to say “hello” or even “goodbye” to Kandi and walks out early, muttering, “Goodnight, bitches,” while everyone else is having a great time. (Even Marlo, who could be heard cooing to Shereé about how much she liked her necklace!) And ya know, we couldn’t agree more. Sayonara, Housewives, it’s been real. Unfortunately, just not real interesting. And with that, the season ends on a somehow-unfinished note, even after 20 episodes. Here’s hoping the Bravo producers learned their lesson with the recent low ratings. The audience wants to see their Housewives act ridiculous, fight and pulverize the English language on camera. These ladies are already unreal. They don’t need so many machinations mixed with their reality in the editing bay.

The two-part reunion special begins next Sunday and looks like a full on screaming match between the ladies, so this might be more interesting than the actual season itself.