Real Housewives of Atlanta: Kenya is officially cray cray

By Collin Kelley
Editor

Whereas Sandy Tyler is mostly the good cop when it comes to recapping the Real Housewives of Atlanta, I am mostly the bad cop. I do not suffer fools gladly and this show is fool incarnate. That said, let’s get on with breaking down episode two, which opens with Nene Leakes in Los Angeles for the Gay Pride Parade.

The gays and drag queens obviously love Nene, who rides in the back of an open convertible yelling her catchphrase, “I am very rich, bitch.”  Was it my imagination or did the parade look staged? Maybe it was just the camera angles, but it looked sparsely attended. Nevertheless, Nene promoted her sitcom, The New Normal, and sang the praises of her demographic: “I love the gays. They are half man, half lady, so you can’t beat that.” Nene is overcome with the adulation and begins to cry. Ex-husband (?) Gregg magically appears at the end of the parade to congratulate her. “I’m so happy to see a straight man at the end of the parade,” Nene says with her withering little laugh.

Back in Atlanta, Kandi is at Bottle Bar in Buckhead for a gossipy lunch with Phaedra and Kenya. Of course, Phaedra is fascinated with Kenya’s “donkey booty” and there is a rehash of the debacle at the Jet magazine model casting (“coochie crack, coochie crack”) from last week’s episode. When Kenya tells the ladies she has a security guard, Phaedra’s side-eye almost detaches her retinas: “Kenya having  a security guard is the most hilarious thing I’ve heard all day.”

Kim  and Co. are still on the verge of being homeless, except they’re not. Turns out Kim held on to her big townhouse in the burbs. While Kim has gotten used to 70,000 square feet, she doesn’t appear to be sweating the situation. She’s more interested in taking naps, her birthday and popping out another baby. Hubby Kroy gives her the diamond bracelet she borrowed for their wedding (which surely costs the price of a normal-sized family home) and Kim offers to give him some pregnant sex. I wonder if she’ll take her wig off for the occasion?

Kenya’s aunt Lori comes for a visit and immediately dismisses her niece’s big house (probably rented) as “narcissistic.” Kenya has been long distance dating Walter for two years and she claims that she moved to Atlanta to be near him, get married and have kids. Oh, and be on Real Housewives. Aunt Lori questions Kenya’s taste in men, which reduces Kenya to tears. Looks like antagonistic relationships are the hallmark of Kenya’s life.

The story shifts back to Phaedra meeting up with Cynthia and Nene at a local gym. Phaedra announces she’s making a workout video for booties. I guess if Phaedra can’t get you in shape, she’ll be ready to receive you at her funeral home. Cynthia wants to throw a party to celebrate Nene’s success and invite all of the city’s most powerful and successful women – including Kim. Feel free to roll your eyes because I certainly did. Nene is, of course, okay with that because Bravo is writing her a check. What she says, though, is that she’s fine with it because nobody can bring her down lest we forget she is very rich. Bitch. Nene also takes the opportunity to throw Kenya some pre-shade by suggesting the former Miss USA is past her prime. Although Kenya doesn’t want anyone to know exactly what year she was Miss Amer…err… USA, it was 1993.

Kenya meets Walter for dinner and lets her crazy flag fly from the moment she sits down at the table. After lying about spending the day hiking and an encounter with a black snake, she tells Walter she’s been to the doctor to make sure her eggs are still poachable and her biological clock is ticking. Walter welcomes this new by ordering a triple shot. They start talking about their relationship and Walter casually mentions he once asked Kandi out, but she shot him down. Kenya’s reaction to this is totally insane. She begins to cry, says she’s going to get her food to go, then runs off to the bathroom. Walter has a few more shots, and who can blame him. Sure, most of this was staged, but Kenya is obviously insecure. And crazy.

The episode ends at The Mansion with the mixer/party Cynthia is hosting for Nene. Did anyone recognize those “successful” women? Nene is two hours late to her own party and has a tense encounter with Kim in the lobby. Kim’s pregnant, hot and has been waiting there for an hour, so she leaves the party and goes back on Nene’s sh-t list. Kenya grabs the microphone and pretends to be hosting the party, which infuriates Cynthia.

As Kenya tries to suck up to Nene, Cynthia glides up and starts throwing enough shade to black out the sky. “Miss USA can take her gown and her sash and wave her way out the door,” Cynthia says. Nene seems totally unimpressed with Kenya and they are sure to cross paths before the season ends.

In the preview for next week’s episode, we finally get introduced to the other new housewife, Porsha Stewart, by way of her having a shouting match with Kenya in a parking lot. Everybody hates Kenya.