Real Housewives of Atlanta: House of Ratchet

By Collin Kelley
Editor

Tonight’s episode begins with Kim browbeating the hired movers and long-suffering assistant Sweetie as the packing of the “haunted mansion” begins. Perhaps Kim’s hormones are in flux because of the pregnancy, but she goes from desperately wanting to get out of the house to trying to get hubby Kroy to have sex in their bathroom one last time. Kim also wants to videotape the entire house because she’s afraid the owner, who has run to the press about evicting Kim & Co., will vandalize the house and blame it on her.

Kim’s moving out is intercut with scenes of Kandi still moving into her dream home in Atlanta, and gossiping with her mom about Kim’s misfortunes. Nene also pops up in a cutaway to add her two cents on Kim’s move. She encourages Kim to be honest about her finances and that they couldn’t afford the house and to “cut the bullsh-t”.

Phaedra and Apollo take their adorable son, Aydin, for his first haircut, and we learn that Apollo is also a master barber. Say what? Personal trainer, barber, mortician, jailbird… this guy really is a jack of all trades. Phaedra announces she’s working with her gay bestie, Dwight, to plan a $20,000 birthday party for Aydin at the Georgia Aquarium. Better cut a few more heads or train a few more bodies, Apollo.

Kenya takes boyfriend Walter (who claims to be the “Martin Luther King of the towing industry”) to meet her Aunt Lori and assorted family. She’s nervous they will scare him off, unaware she’s doing a fine job of that on her own. Aunt Lori grills Walter about how he met Kenya and his intentions, which contradict the stories Kenya has been spinning. “I was invited to dinner, not a roast,” an exasperated Kenya exclaims. Walter is obviously put off by Keny’s constant push for them to get married, and says he wants to date and get to know her better before rushing into a second marriage. Aunt Lori says she likes Walter, but you can hear Kenya’s biological clock ticking like a stopwatch.

At Aydin’s birthday party, “Dwight in Shining Armor” has gone over the top, of course, with flowers, two cakes and drummers. Phaedra, Apollo and Aydin arrive on a miniature Thomas the Tank Engine. Kandi says she expected Phaedra to come in riding a whale or dressed as a mermaid judging from her previous parties. The “experience,” as Dwight calls it, closes out with a dolphin show that leaves everyone yawning and ready to leave, including Aydin.

When Nene and Cynthia meet for lunch,  Nene plays a recording of Phaedra telling someone she doesn’t give a “fu-k” if Cynthia shows up at Aydin’s birthday party. Apparently, Phaedra accidentally “butt-dialed” someone and left the message. How Nene got the recording is unclear, nor is Cynthia’s excuse for not attending the party, but in Cynthia’s defense she has subjected herself to all of Phaedra’s ridiculous “experiences,” so she deserves a pass. Cynthia is pissed off about the recording and decides to confront Phaedra. Nene, obviously pleased by another opportunity to stir the drama pot, throws some shade Phaedra’s way: “I guess that’s one of the disadvantages of having a big ass – now they’re dialing phones.”

Cynthia meets Phaedra for lunch and blindsides her with the recording. Phaedra says she doesn’t talk like that, doesn’t remember having that conversation, doesn’t engage in such “tomfoolery”, then gets distracted by a bug bite on her boob. Cynthia offers to play the recording, but the sequence ends with Cynthia rolling her eyes and declaring she can no longer trust Phaedra. You should have rolled that beautiful bean footage, Cynthia. You really missed a chance to show Phaedra up.

Meanwhile, Kenya buys take out food and presents it as her own creation for an intimate dinner at home with Walter. She even dirties up some pans to make it look like she cooked. “I’m gonna do whatever it takes to get that ring,” she says in a cutaway with a demented smile on her face. During the candlelight dinner, Kenya claims the meal took her forever to make but she’s prepared to order take out make dinner for him every night. “I’m not trying to put any pressure on you,” Kenya coos while turning up the pressure until it boils. “I want a baby like yesterday.” She the proceeds to announce her ring size just in case Walter wants to put a ring on it. Walter’s response: “Keep drinking, baby.”

The episode closes with Kim & Co. arriving back at her old townhouse, which was never sold despite three offers. Kim suddenly finds religion and starts rambling about “God’s will” and “God’s plan” for them. At the same time, a truck is rolling up in front of the townhouse filled with all the trees and flowers she had the moving men rip out of the yard at the “haunted mansion.” I guess that was God’s will, too.