By Tim Sullivan
Certain parental moments hang in the air just a touch longer than others. Maybe your five year old successfully clicks her seatbelt for the first time or you overhear one child dole out a rare compliment to the other. You feel like Zendaddy.
But say you inadvertently let out an F-bomb in front of your kids? That’s a matzoh ball of a moment. Awaiting the Potty Mouth Police leap to action – the word bubble hovering above your head – is heavy enough to crush you. First there is the shock and then the scolding. Mom is alerted. Offenses are documented. Permanent records are marred!
I don’t know where this comes from. Kristen and I are relatively lax when it comes to what they can and cannot say. I guess growing up in New Jersey and New York respectively engenders a degree of understanding that an occasionally well placed bad word can be quite effective. I mean, I’m sure the notion of “bad” words goes back to the dawning of language itself, but why? There aren’t any “bad” letters so how does the order in which they are assembled offend so much? Anyway, there must be some serious scolds at school or camp because my little puritans have taken up the task with gusto.
It’s been suggested that we keep a swear jar handy at home that Kristen and I contribute a quarter to every time we offend, but unless that thing accepts debit cards I don’t see my wife participating. Adding to the degree of difficulty is that often what the kids think are bad words aren’t really at all. We spent Memorial Day weekend in the mountains with friends and the gaggle of kids devoted hours to poking around the edges of acceptable terms.
“I know what the F-word is!” exclaimed Winslow Borgman. Joel wasn’t aware his daughter was so familiar with the term. “What’s the F-word, Winslow?” “Fart!” Joel explained “that’s something that happens and it does start with an F, but it’s not necessarily a bad word.” Then older brother Sebastian asserted that he knew what the REAL F-word was –“Freakin’!!!” Joel concurred that indeed, that was the real F-word that must be avoided at all times.
On the ride home our kids watched Big with Tom Hanks. They’ve seen it before, so Margo warned there is a bad S-word in the movie. That word turned out to be “Suckers!” Elliott argued that this wasn’t a bad word. Margo offered that it was “spoken in a bad way.” Elliott prepared us to hear the D-word as if our ears may bleed should we not properly brace for it. I must have a potty brain too because I thought of at least three D-words I would hope to never hear my children say before the punch line was delivered – Dammit. So if you are keeping track, the F-word could be Freakin’, the S-word is sometimes Suckers and the D-word just might be Dammit.
Watching World Cup soccer Elliott coolly pointed out that the Canadian player Schmidt has a name that rhymes with the really bad S-word. Apparently, bad words are lurking everywhere, so I’m training myself to rely on fiddlesticks, malarkey and phooey because otherwise I’m screwed. Can I say screwed?
I know they will eventually grow out of it. Elliott and I were playing golf the other day and the twosome in front of us had slowed to a crawl so we were waiting on every shot. On the eighth tee I slipped and let out a “What the hell are these guys doing?” Surprisingly, Elliott said “I feel ya, dad.” For a split second, it was okay. We were just two guys out on a golf course and it was something of a glimpse into the future. I cherished that moment, however fleeting…“Only you should have said ‘heck’ instead of that H-E-double-hockey-sticks word.”
Tim Sullivan grew up in a large family in the Northeast and now lives with his small family in Oakhurst. He can be reached at tim@sullivanfinerugs.com.
