From the beginning of the advent of storytelling, there have been coming-of-age stories.
From “Oliver Twist” to “Little Women,” from “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret,” to the “Summer I Turned Pretty.” We will never tire of stories about growing up, or about first friendships, or first crushes, or – in the case of “You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah” – first betrayals.
I don’t know if it’s nostalgia casting its spell, or a product of being in my late 20s, but lately, most well-done movies about adolescent female friendship tend to make me a bit weepy. And, despite some snags here and there, the new Sandler family vehicle is no exception.
“You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah” – from director Sammi Cohen and starring Sadie and Sunny Sandler, along with their father Adam Sandler – has a tendency to feel a bit, as the kids say, extra. From the sheer number of music cues, to the exorbitant wealth on display at different bar and bat mitzvahs, to the increasingly petty and outright mean ways in which Stacy (Sunny Sandler) exacts revenge on her ex-best friend Lydia (Samantha Lorraine), the film has the same sort of over-the-top quality you might expect from a Sandler movie – albeit aged down somewhat.
But the Sandler girls share their father’s natural charm, and there’s a sweetness to the film that manages to override its crueler elements. Screenwriter Alison Peck paints a poignant picture of that painfully awkward age when all you want is to be just like everybody else, and the youngest Sandler and Lorraine tap into the joy, insecurity, and confusion of being on the cusp of teenagerdom in a way that’s all too familiar for those of us who have been in their shoes.
Adapted from a 2005 novel of the same name, the movie begins as Stacy and Lydia prepare for the biggest day of their Jewish – and quite possibly, of their entire – lives. The pair have been inseparable since birth, and have no plans to change that anytime soon. But their dreams of a joint wedding – as well as living together in adjoining lofts in Taylor Swift’s building in Tribeca – are ground to a nasty half because of what else? A boy. When Stacy catches Lydia kissing her long-standing crush Andy Goldfarb (Dylan Hoffman), the betrayal causes her to utter those nine, unforgivable words: “You are SO not invited to my bat mitzvah!”
And so begins a messy back and forth that involves revenge dating, spreading rumors, and making out with boys in front of the Torah at Hebrew school – all while the adults remain blissfully oblivious of the earth-shattering rift that has occurred. “You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah” doesn’t equivocate on the cruelty that kids are capable of at that age, but it also taps into the softer side of that pain. Middle school isn’t about anything but trying to fit in, and the movie really hones in on how that need to be accepted can sometimes become so all-encompassing that it eclipses everything else.
One of Stacy’s inciting embarrassments is period-related (as they so often are), and she looks distressingly small on screen as a crowd of children laugh at her discomfort, Andy serving as their ringleader. Funnily enough, most of the popular girls – girls who Stacy has tried so hard to impress in the past, and who haven’t always been the kindest to her – come to her defense. They have nothing to lose by going against the grain. But, in a moment of weakness, a moment of hoping to be in on the joke for once, Lydia laughs. The laughter only lasts for a split second before concern kicks in, but the damage is done.
The movie is full of moments like this, big and small, that serve to remind us that Andy is only an excuse, an easier thing to fight over rather than what’s really driving a wedge between the girls – the ability to fit in. Even before the big betrayal, the central tension between them is that it seems to come easier to Lydia, and Sunny Sandler subtly expresses that feeling of being left behind. Stacy can be loud and brash, but there’s a shyness and a sense of self doubt to her that underscores every inflection. On the surface Lydia feels a bit more assured, a bit more comfortable in her own skin than her friend. But no preteen is free from the pull of acceptance. Stacy might go to excessive lengths to raise her status, but Lydia is no exception to the desire to fit in.
With this push and pull between friends, “You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah” captures how dire everything feels when you’re a teenager, and how part of becoming an adult is realizing what – and who – are the important things in life. Growing up is messy – and no matter how big of a deal your bat mitzvah might be, there’s no such thing as a set date for when you’re done.
