When he’s writing a movie, Gary Jaffe starts with his own life. Once he has the details down, though, he starts to go off book.
That’s how the film “Before I Do,” which is the opening night pick for this year’s Out on Film festival, began. The film follows a bachelor party that takes a turn when the groom, John Michael (Cole Doman) and the best man, Alex (Michael Hsu Rosen), start to rekindle their past romantic feelings for each other. With Alex just getting out of a bad relationship and John Michael questioning whether he wants to get married at all, the weekend devolves into chaos.
Jaffe based the characters on himself and some of his friends in real life – or his own “queer-tet,” as the group calls themselves in the film. The rest of the cast is rounded out by Nico Greetham, Robin de Jesús, and Jared Reinfeldt.
Ahead of the opening night screening on Sept. 24, I spoke with Jaffe about the making of the film, covering everything from what to do when a septic tank needs emptying during your shoot to the importance of Meryl Streep. This conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
I was listening to an interview that you had done before, and while obviously this is not completely true to life, you were talking a little bit about how a lot of the aspects of the script came from something you had gone through and something a friend had gone through at similar inflection points. Could you talk about transposing that from your real life onto a script and how you went about that process?
Gary Jaffe: To talk about the origins and my process in moving from reality to fiction, fundamentally, as a creator, I’m always going to start here, with my life. It’s just what I do. I saw, once upon a time, that it’s really productive for me to start with real life elements that I recognize and can really feel the tangible quality of, and then just take them in a totally fictitious direction – a little bit of a what if, a little bit of an alternate reality. A story needs to be fiction to be good, I find. If you take the actual events of your life and you put them into movie form, there’s something missing. It doesn’t feel real, in a weird way. But, if you take the details of your life, and the people you know, and the experience you’ve had, that builds a world in which then we can use our tools for storytelling to make something that actually feels real on screen.
So, the origin point here is my friend and I – we were in the same “queer-tet” in college, and some of the other people in that friend group sort of appear through a glass darkly, sort of, as the other members of the queer-tet [in the movie]. It’s not like he and I were ever together. We were just really, really good friends, and then we semi-simultaneously went through big existential changes in our lives, one that reflects Alex’s life story – that’s me – and the other that’s more John Michael, who’s my friend.
I don’t want to go too deeply into what’s real about Alex’s story and what’s real about mine, but I didn’t want to write a story about the collapse of that relationship. I wanted to start with something a little bit later and capture some of what it felt like for me to move forward after that moment, and how important my friend was. Literally, the day that I was supposed to get married to my ex, I met my friend in D.C. and we drove to Michigan to see a cousin. Like, this is the kind of importance that friendship had for me as I was recovering from this colossal change in my life. Then, he went through an interesting change of his own. So I wanted to pay homage to that. Then, of course, I’m me, so I write romance. So I took that friendship and I made it a romance.
“Before I Do,” which is this one weekend in these two people’s lives, and these questions of what was, what will be, what should be or shouldn’t be – all these things. It’s all very vivid, because I know myself and I know my friend, and I know the relationships that we have with our friends and each other. “Before I Do” just takes it and ramps it up – and casts some very attractive actors, and a beautiful location, and then we’ve got cinema, baby! [Laughs]
It’s interesting you bring up the idea of what should and shouldn’t happen. This movie isn’t really tidy, which I kind of like about it, but can also be frustrating. Not necessarily with the plot, but just frustrating in terms of some of the choices characters are marking. I don’t know what the production period was like, but was there ever any pressure on you to neaten things up? What was that like?
Jaffe: From the jump, we said that we wanted this movie to be a Rorschach test. I’m not interested in telling you, as a creator, what the right answer is, because I just don’t think that’s what life is. I want to help you see yourself in the movie. I see myself in the movie – I know what I think is right for these characters. It’s kind of important that I not say that out loud, because I have a certain authority as the writer and director.
We have people really come away with different feelings about this relationship, and I think that captures something very true about reality. We’re always sitting outside of other people’s relationships, or even outside of our own relationships, at a certain point, and looking at the evidence and trying to think – okay, well, what should they do? Should they stay together? Should they break up? Should they get together? All these things. And of course, what are we using but ourselves, our own experiences, to make that decision?
In some ways, being an independent movie made very quickly… gave us the independence to be more or less exactly what we wanted. The vision was never compromised because of some sort of external sense of pressure. In fact, I would say that our team and the producers really wanted me to keep the integrity of that semi-ambiguous vision. That’s what makes this movie special, and if we lose it, then we’re just any other movie. We don’t want to be just any other movie.
How much did the script change? Like, when you brought the actors on, how did that change the movie, or change the characters?
Jaffe: The script begins as a different movie called “The Groomsman.” This is a much bigger movie, that’s like a full *ss ’90s rom com. The bachelor party is just act one, and then there’s the rehearsal dinner, and it culminates at the altar – it’s a whole thing. It’s a great script! It was just huge. My collaborator Emily [McCann Lesser] and I were really trying to make our first film and make it really small. She had read “The Groomsman,” at the same time I was thinking, well – if you want to make a small movie, it’s good to have a free location. My grandmother built this cabin in 1983. I was like, cabin – free. Cabin – woods, water. Did I mention free? My joke is, I don’t have a trust fund, but my family does have a cabin. [Laughs]
[Emily] reads “The Groomsman,” and she’s like, “This is a great story. I love these characters.” And I’m like, “I could make it all about the bachelor party, and I could just set it at the cabin.” The story just really shrinks, and focuses because of that. That’s big change number one.
Of course, the revision process will have a lot of changes, but the most significant change is that originally it’s the four boys and John Michael’s sister, Kat. She comes from the family, and she represents knowing [John Michaels’ fiance] David, and she knows their dad. She’s just this other element. But in a house full of gay men, what did this female character really have? We kept on giving her these outside plots, and she just never worked. It’s a shame, because I love my sister. I love female characters. One day, I will put one in a movie [Laughs]. But there was this one day where Emily and I were talking about what would happen to turn Kat to Kit. This was on the Q train. By the end of the Q train, we had discovered his whole story. He’s a high school friend, and he’s recently out of a relationship and questioning [his sexuality]. He’s going to be the outsider still, because he’s new to this whole queer world, which is also going to give audience members who are new to the queer [world] and new to queer life … a way in. That changed the script.
Then, in the actual shooting, we were lucky enough to have a couple days of rehearsal beforehand. These actors are so smart. My philosophy on revisions, one thing is the actor has to embody it. So if they’re feeling like something is missing, listen. The pages flew, and I understood that this is a part of the process. Like I have these wonderfully hand scribbled notes of lines that got in during rehearsals, that then we ended up shooting. I’ll give you one major example. Michael [Rosen], who’s playing Alex, said of this one climactic scene: “[Alex] really walks up to the thing, and I think he needs to say it.” Right there in our rehearsal room, he and I write/act this monologue together, this moment for this character to really name what he’s gone through. It’s the kind of thing where I’m like, I can’t believe that wasn’t in the script to begin with. But that’s great. This is how the process should work – you bring someone in who’s smart and in tune with the character in ways that you – even though you came up with them, even though you based them off yourself – you might miss. He sees, I have something to say here, and then you collaborate to make it happen. It’s this banger moment in the movie. The script is full of those kinds of things. To be honest, that’s good writing. It’s good writing, it’s good direction – it’s a good collaboration.
I feel like I’ve heard writers be more open about that recently. I don’t know if you know what “Sterling Point” is, but Megan Park, the creator of that show, was talking about a similar thing – different demographic, where she’s working with a bunch of young actors playing teenagers. But she basically told them, if I wrote something for you that doesn’t feel natural, never be afraid to say, I think it should sound like this.
Jaffe: From this process, I kind of developed two really strong rules. One, have a vision and stick to it. That’s important, here – we’re not saying that I’m compromising the vision, or changing the vision. But, if you have that internal compass, then rule two is, listen to the people who share your vision. I have no ego about this. What I want is the thing that’s going to tell the story best. There were changes that were proposed where I said, “I hear what you’re saying, I don’t think that tells the story.” And that’s okay! But, if it’s honest and if it makes me feel something and it didn’t come from me, I don’t care who it came from.
I also really try to foster a community among the whole team, especially because it’s a small movie and a small team. If we’re hanging out on a Friday night after the shoot, and people are doing their laundry at the cabin washing machine, and I’m mending a pair of pants that split during the shoot that day, and we’re talking about the script and someone observes something or has an idea for how to do a moment – I want to hear it if it makes the movie better. Because the movie is bigger than me. It is very much me, but it’s bigger than me. I think that there are directors out there who are very exacting – do it this way, this way, this way. That’s not me, and I don’t think the movie would be as good if I did it that way.
I mean, talking about a small movie, small team, I believe you shot this over 12 days?
Jaffe: 12 shoot days.
Well, to talk about fostering community, how do you do that over such a short period of time?
Jaffe: The most vibrantly visible community on screen is the cast. Some of them knew each other beforehand, but others became just such fast friends. My job was to kind of let them cook, because you can’t buy that chemistry that they have at the store. They walked in, especially after a couple days of rehearsal, ready to cook on camera. Some of my favorite scenes in the movie are the night scenes that we shot at the very end – this is when [they’re playing a game called] Penetrating Questions, and you can just feel how much they inhabit their characters and their relationships. You’re just with them. It’s a hangout movie, when all is said and done, and I’m really proud of where they got and I’m really proud of how I could set it up and then sit back and gently encourage it.
But that’s only the community that you’re going to get to see onscreen. We had an incredibly dedicated team of professionals on this shoot, which was hard and fast and very, very demanding. One thing that was important to me is that if I didn’t have something better to be doing at that moment – by better, I don’t mean qualitative, I mean like, the director needs to be talking to the DP about the shots – then I was hoisting sandbags, and I was going with the crew as we were getting all the stuff out into the woods. Which, you know, wasn’t that far to walk from our main set, but if you’re hosting sandbags and equipment, it’s hard. It was daunting and exhausting. I told the camera and electrics team this, I was like – I see your hustle on every single shot. I know that what you are doing is setting the tone for how we’re going to shoot these scenes. If it weren’t for you bringing this incredible energy to each set up, A, we wouldn’t get through the movie, and B, the energy wouldn’t be there to transfer to the cast to make that vibrant.
Obviously, carrying sandbags to the woods is hard. But, this being your first feature, were there any challenges that you didn’t expect, or did anything come up that was very challenging that you didn’t necessarily anticipate?
Jaffe: The feeling I had on set was that every day, I was being challenged and I was learning things that I could only learn by doing exactly what I was doing that day. I was coming out of it stronger, but also tired. I was being put through the ringer, literally. It was interesting, because the kinds of challenges were from all sides. There was a day that we were filming and the actors were standing on the deck above the garden, and I could hear on the com – “Smells a little organic. Is something up?” I was like, “Oh God – that’s where the septic tank is.”
Once we were done shooting for the day, I called my dad and said, “Dad, when was the last time we emptied the septic tank? 2020? Oh, okay!” So, what did I do after the shoot was done that day? Did I call the septic company? Yes, I did. Did we find that like, okay, we’re gonna be shooting in the woods on Monday, and you’re gonna come over in this very narrow time frame, and empty the septic tank? Yes I did. And there was a moment in the woods where we were doing a scene and I heard [makes a noise to approximate emptying a septic tank] from afar, and they were like, “What’s that?” And I was like, “I think that’s the septic tank being emptied.” Did we get all the shots? Yes, we did. You really don’t know what kind of obstacles you’re going to face. Oh gosh, my family house is smelly. I hate that! [Laughs]
On a different level, when you only have so much time, how do you prioritize what’s necessary? The brilliant, talented, exceedingly smart [actor] Cole Doman and I had a good talk right at the beginning [of the shoot], where he basically said – I know you and Idil [Eryurekli], our amazing [director of photography] have a really thrilling plan of shots for the movie, but it’s really important that we the actors get enough time for ourselves to work. So make sure you have the coverage that’s going to get the story told. If that means you have to lose some of the fancy things that you planned, that’s okay, because the movie will live and die on us. Give us the time to work.
This was early in the shoot, and I was like, Cole is absolutely right. It’s not like there was a lot of that, but we had some artistic shots planned. We got some of them in, and others went away, and that’s okay. I was really pleased at the end of the process to be able to tell Cole, we have this much time for your coverage today for this big scene, because I’m listening. I hear you. Go to work. And he felt it, and the movie reflects it. You know, I don’t even know which shots I cut at the end, because the ones that we have are wonderful, and I love them. It still feels like an artistic movie. I don’t think what Idil and I did is basic on a shot-composition level. It’s just, the actors are the movie. Serve them.
In another interview, you were talking about Richard Linklater being a director that you love. This movie takes place over a certain period of time. It’s very talky, but still feels cinematic. I was like, ah – that makes a ton of sense.
Jaffe: I don’t know if you’ve seen “Everybody Wants Some!”
Oh yeah.
Jaffe: I love it so much. And you know, “Everybody Wants Some!” – what’s the plot of that movie? Handsome men hang out, change their outfits, go to different parties, have a good time.
Get involved with their theater community.
Jaffe: Exactly! Literally, you don’t need that much. You need fun times, interesting, and nice and attractive people. Idil and I talked about “Everybody Wants Some!” a lot. Particularly, there’s this one scene where they’re passing a bong around, and the camera sort of gently circles the room as each one gets their moment. That gave us a way forward to thinking about [the] Penetrating Questions [sequence], or something like that. You don’t need a lot of movement. You don’t even need a lot of coverage. You just need to be able to move between all the guys and how they’re doing and behaving and living.
This is maybe a little bit revealing behind the scenes, but we knew that we had all these group scenes, and we just didn’t have the time to get one and one and one of everyone in every scene. So we made these different plans so that each scene would have a distinct and character-centric, narrative-centric approach. Without any spoilers … at Knox Trail Inn, which is really about Kit becoming part of the five, we shot as four on one. There are these shots where you see four … and then we flip it and it’s [Kit] being surrounded by the other four. As the scene shifts to focus a little bit more on John Michael and Alex’s singular moments, we dolly in from that point, and we just get Alex, and we just get John Michael. That’s a way of being like, well, we don’t have a lot of time, but this is what’s going to work. Then the toasts [sequence], that’s one and one and one. That’s the one where everyone’s going to have their shot. And then Penetrating Questions, two and two and one, because these things are sort of blending in an interesting way. It’s going to save time, and give us a different feeling, so you don’t end up with every group scene just feeling the same way. Or sometimes, it’s all of them piling chaotically into the same shot, and that’s it’s own thing.
I have one more thing I wanted to ask you, and I don’t say this to sound disrespectful to this actress, but I’m curious about the specifics. In the movie, the friend group each identifies with a Meryl Streep character. Why Meryl Streep? There’s the obvious answer, but specifically, why?
Jaffe: That’s such a good question, because there’s so many ways to answer this. The first way to answer this is that I take from my real life, and what my queer-tet and I had in college was the more classic, “Which ‘Sex and the City’ gal are you?” But we also had a day where we dressed up as our divas for Halloween. It was like Lady Gaga and Rihanna and Britney Spears. I was like, “Well, my diva is Mary Poppins.” That’s sort of where Meryl Streep comes from, on that level.
But then, during the pandemic, my two best friends from high school and I started watching a movie every Friday evening. We still have calls on Fridays, but we don’t watch movies as much. They both have children now, and that’s taking their time. But … we just watched a lot of Meryl Streep movies. So as I was putting real elements of life into this fictional environment, I was like – Meryl Streep is fun!
The other thing is she has such a vast body of work, that you can have “Mamma Mia!” and “The Devil Wears Prada,” and “Sophie’s Choice” and “Silkwood.” It’s in the same spectrum. The other thing is, any filmmaker will tell you that exposition is one of the single hardest things to do. But the Streeps gave me exposition, because they each sit there in that clip, and bang, bang, bang – you learn a lot about each individual character by which Meryl Streep they are. We can have fun with that and controvert it and ultimately embrace it by the end in a way that really facilitates the storytelling. And she’s iconic. She is a living legend.
